xta.c

I wish you knew how it felt to be rejected so completely the way I have been.

First day back in school today, and it was pretty good. Woke up really really early to try and get some work done - was only partly successful. I got dressed and tried to make myself look human. In keeping with my New Year's resolution to make the most out of my wardrobe, I put on an outfit I rather liked today.

Dress and necklace: Reading Room, Shoes: CMG, Bag: ALDO

Digression: I really love this dress. I bought it for myself as a Christmas present from the Reading Room in Cubao Expo. It looks really simple, but I love the details of the piece with its geometric pleats breaking up the stripes of the dress. The cut is also cute, with a mod feel. I also like that it isn't too short. The kicker for me though was the cute razorblade charm on the right sleeve of the dress. I bought it after really thinking about it, since it cost a bit more than I was willing to pay. It cost P450.

Sorry for the blurry photos.

Anyway, I got to school and met up with my group mates to review our presentation. It was fun, since most of my group mates are my friends. A funny incident occurred though. I'm pretty amused.

When I first arrived, my guy friend commented that the dress I was wearing was nice. I said thanks and went to work with them. Then later on, he looks at me carefully and asks, "Are you wearing makeup?" I feel a little conscious, and say that I put makeup on because I lacked sleep. He reassures me that it looks nice. After a while, when it was just the two of us working with the presentation he leans on my shoulder and SMELLS me, as in inhales really conspicuously on my shoulder. I don't really pay attention, kasi baka it was an awkward mistake lang. I figured that if it wasn't, then it was really flattering. Then after a while, he moves to my other side and does the same thing again! It was so funny! I'm really flattered, because I like to think it was an indirect compliment. Things go on as usual, and we head on to class.

Our report gets postponed because not enough people read. Really annoying since we did work on it. We consulted instead on it, so we got some points to focus on for the actual report. Headed off to Philo class. It was pretty boring, but I did get to exercise my brain some. Philo does make me think.

Headed to the ISO afterwards for my thesis meeting with my thesis mates. It was a pretty good meeting. Everyone was in generally high spirits from the Christmas break. We ended with kwentuhan and conversations about The Future, i.e. after March. I love my thesis groupmates.

Ended up having lunch with Steph, and we also had a really good conversation. I can't wait to talk to her tomorrow. I hope things went well with her today. We had sisig at the ISO caf, and it tastes different! It was creamy and spicy with liver in it. It used to be crunchy. :( Boo.

Kat and Ambat followed soon after. Ambat gave me the CD he burned for me (Meiko! So awesome!), and Kat got her ID from Steph. We sat down and had a good time, reminiscing and talking about our batch. I hope Ambat didn't feel too left out though.

Headed to Theo, and found out my deadline had been moved. Hallelujah! I won't be dying too hard on Thursday. XD Watched a video by Joey Velasco that I really liked. I think it's named "Hapag ng Pag-asa," similar to the painting the video is about. It was very poignant. It also made me aware of how lovely the Filipino language is. It makes cheesy statements a lot less cheesy. The subtitling could be better though.

After class, I went shopping for a planner. I bought one that I really like. I also bought makeup. >_< Guh. I better limit my expenses already. I shouldn't buy any new makeup until summer, except maybe for mascara. I gotta stop the crazy spending. I gotta save for graduation gifts and the boyfriend's birthday gift!

Now I'm cramming for my Theo orals tomorrow. I hope all goes well. Guh.

There's a reason why people approaching senility can remember perfectly well their childhood friends, their highschool loves, family members long dead and gone. Memories, they make connections in our brain that grow stronger the more we recall them, the more meaning we attach to them. So the longer our relationships with people go, the more deeply etched they are in our memories, the harder it is to forget.

Twelve years. That's how long it's been since that first memory. And maybe that's why it makes me so angry.

It's not just being really sad at not having each other around. Not just being scared to lose. Not just being nostalgic from looking back and looking at where we are now - a few months short of being continents away, both literally and figuratively. It's being so fucking angry that none of it seems to matter, none of it merits an iota of EFFORT towards not being strangers. And of course, it's being really damn hurt.

You're right, you know? Your comment cut to the bone. And I hate being a girl about it, but it kinda made me tear.  The effort thing. But it just sucks that it isn't worth it. And of course, no matter how much I want to just pack her up from my life and ship her to Canada, the way she'll eventually pack up and ship her things, there's that nagging bit of sentimentality that can't. That actually cares. And it pisses me off that I can't just cut it off, and pack it away along with her.

I hate that this affects me so badly. I hate that I was really happy today, for no reason at all - I actually felt like myself again after a long while - but that got shot to hell, when I thought of this. I hate that it bothers me. I hate that it means something.

I don't know her anymore. And I'm afraid to now.

I just don't know how to handle it when people go away - whether they change schools or leave the country or however it is that they suddenly fall out of my reach. A lot of the time it's my fault as well. Things happen and I get to this point where I'd rather not talk about things, usually out of shame. Or I get irritated and bugged for some petty reason or another, and would rather not talk to the people at all.

As with all bad habits, it's always easiest in the beginning.

But I've finally gotten to the point where I'm so disconnected from so many people, that thinking about it has depressed me. Maybe it's my psycho defense mechanism for getting left behind so often - detach yourself before they leave, that way it won't hurt as bad. But I think that when you lose people you love, there's just no winning. It hurts when they leave. But it probably hurts just as bad when you realize that you lost them anyway by leaving first.

And as always I'm left missing people. *sighs*

Now I'm just really scared I'll eventually lose everyone I care about to this insane compulsion.

I'm having another panic attack because the CPR results come in two hours and if they suck, I'm pretty sure B and I will have another fight. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. >_> This is a new, completely different kind of anxiety. It seriously makes me want to run and hide and go *meep* everytime someone tries to talk to me. It's not fun. >_< Hassle and stress, hassle and stress. Still haven't done my Perso paper, and I still haven't started reviewing for Theo. Ughughugh. But I don't think I'll be able to study for Theo at all if shit goes down tonight. Nononono. Ohwell, that's what tomorrow morning is for right? Huuuuuuuurrr..... Muscles in neck. Tightening. Tightening. Aaaack!

I'm having a minor panic attack, because I think I reviewed B's work for CPR and I only gave him a 9 instead of a 10 which he probably said he deserved on the self-assessment. >_> Shitshitshitshit, I'd change it if I could, but I can't anymore. *wails* Panic attack! Panic attack!

I'm getting scared at how I can really hate you sometimes.

I have a little less than an hour to finish cramming for my Chemistry long test in about three hours. Sadly, I'm about thisclose to giving up - not because I can't do it, but simply because I do not want to. Sigh. As fantastic as this year has been to me when it came to certain things, I have to admit that it's been shit for me in other ways as well. Like my progressing lack of motivation in school. >_> Ugh. Anyway, I only have a few more days left anyway. Hopefully the new year will usher in more positivity and productivity from me, in more ways than one.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to blog here was that I just wanted to share two cute things. Yes, something happy now for a change.

First, my lovely boyfriend B has gone and showed how lovely he is again. I recently learned that he now checks out my favorite website on a more or less regular basis.LOL, the cuteness. I think it's really something when the person you love begins to take an interest in one of your hobbies because of you. &hearts;

Second, maybe this is a late realization, but still, it's something that occurred to me recently that made me quite happy. B really wants to make me happy. And not just in the big, fulfilled, my-life-is-so-great kind of way that's really a long-term thing. He won't just do the big important things like hug me when I need to be comforted, or soothe me when I'm crying, or be there for me to talk to when I need him - he'll do the little insignificant things that never seem like a big deal too. He'll buy me my favorite drink at McDonald's without me asking. He'll download the albums of that little-known-band I currently love, even though I tell him he doesn't have to. He'll make the effort to see me before he goes home, even though it's out of his way, because he knows I'll feel better if I see him. He'll do these things despite knowing that the happiness I'll get from his gesture is temporary. He'll do them just 'cause he wants me happy. And golly, I was blown away by that. I love him so much.

I'm excited for next week, even though as of the moment our plans our vague. I just really want to make this Christmas special for us. I really want to do things for him that will make him happy, not just because he makes me happy, but because he just really deserves it. He's been so good, and not just to me. I don't think I have the words to express just how proud I am of him and how proud I am to be his. Heehee, B's just so amazing. *dreamy sighs*

Maybe it's like this for all people, but when I feel left behind or out of place or just plain pissed off, I just detach myself. It's just easier not to care than it is to be hurt and/or angry. It's easy to surround yourself with the people you're always secure around, people who don't make you feel bad. It's easy not to talk about things that make life suck. But sooner or later you get to the point when you find that you've been shutting yourself out from too many people for too long, and more often than not you're invisible on YM, and then you're no longer just detached, but instead completely out of touch with the rest of the world. That protective circle of friends eventually dwindles away, because it's always detach, detach, detach. You end up having nothing to talk about or nothing to say. Or worse, when you find that you want to say something, you just don't know where to start. Running away from everyone instead of dealing eventually becomes a lifestyle, something so intrinsically difficult to change.

Anyway, I'm just babbling. Haaay, uneventful sembreaks are the worst - too much time to think.